Home Sweet Home

Looking for a place in South Beach is proving to be challenging! I’ve looked at tons of listings, I’m talking to two real estate agent’s (don’t tell them that), and I’m having to filter out BS from people that are using Craigslist to spam and fish for business.

I know the game too well. I’ve done my share of real estate, I know how the game works. I’m sure CL knows as well, but I explained in my email to them anyway. So, here it is… let’s see how this plays out!

You see kids… I turned my anger and rage into fun and games! LMFAO

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The email to Craigslist 4/28/2012

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Hi there!!!
There is a real estate company that has found a loop hole in posting… the headings might differ slightly… but the content consists of a single letter or number… changing that allows them to post about 5 times every few minutes… the phone numbers on the listings are as follows:
305-865-0200,
305-219-4578,
305-866-8045,

This is an example: http://miami.craigslist.org/mdc/apa/2984568979.html

I have done a search for the number 305-865-0200… from April 23 to today April 28… there are more than 1000 postings… I used to do real estate.. “Sara” and her company are fishing for business… when you call… miraculously the same properties that she has been posting since February have suddenly just been leased.. but she has others to show you immediately.

People like this are ruining what Craigslist is all about… I have flagged well over 100 of her postings and am saddened that I’ve become exhausted from trying to filter out her shit, from the people that are actually renting rooms… I’m desperate for a place as I’m moving in a few days… I want to send the hooker some hate emails and nasty phone calls… but that doesn’t benefit anyone.. nor is it my nature.

Please HELP! Or at least tell me you are going to ban Sara and her entire group… so that I can have peace of mind and still think of Craigslist like the greatest gift to mankind!

Thank you I love you,
Neil

I don’t know why I have waited so long to create this?! I am always thinking that I would love to post about random things that are funny and/or stimulate conversation.

I mean, there is only so much you can type on Facebook… here it can be as long as my heart desires!

I promise to put more personality into these postings… the first one will be a letter that I just sent to Craigslist!

All MY Love, Neil

Ahhh Texas… though I was born here,  I would kindly like to bid farewell for the third time. It seems as though the only thing that I really enjoy about Texas… is moving the hell away from here. This decision came only three weeks ago. One of “my spontaneous relocation” whims, as an old friend once stated. This move, of course, pending on the passing of my final classes, to the six and a half year college degree plan, which included suffering through five different colleges. I finally did it. I don’t know how or why… but I did it.

Most would fear of the traveling, the finding of new work and friends, a place to live… blah blah tiny details. Let the Universe (hAlla, Jeesa, lotus’ Boods, scientellogics) do all the planning… I always know things have a way of working out real easy, real nice. I’m supposed to land in Sin City in nine days… sadly without a place to live. That was until just a moment ago, when I received an email from a certain someone (whom I don’t know), who is incidentally at the moment looking for a roommate to prance and gallop through the corridors of his giant house (complete with sparkling pool).

It turns out, the said someone was looking at Facebook, when suddenly he caught another friends threaded conversation about me vocalizing the need for housing. It seems as though the power of the spoken word,  it’s always the right place, and the right time is always, right now.

The AAA looks like this:

View Driving directions to Las Vegas, NV in a larger map

Here we go! Decided on having a friend join the adventures

The plan is to start out early on Dec 28: Dallas, TX to Albuquerque, NM

Dec 29th: Albuquerque. NM to Flagstaff, AZ

Dec 30th: Flagstaff, AZ to The Grand Canyon, Hoover Dam, then Las Vegas

A total of 1,343 Miles. We are going to party like it’s 2012 all the way there!!!

I’m sure the updates on twitter and FB will be fun and memorable… or I hope so at least :]

The Cullinan diamond ($ 400 Million)

The Cullinan diamond is now mounted on the head with sticks Cross, and is the largest rough gem-quality diamond ever found, at 3,106,75 carat with 621.35 g. Polishing stones from the largest gems named Cullinan I or Star Africa First, and at 530.2 carats (106.0 g).The price of this diamond is about $ 400 million.

Bugatti Veyron $1,700,000. This is by far the most expensive street legal car available on the market today. It is the fastest accelerating car reaching 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. It is also the fastest street legal car when tested again on July 10, 2010 with the 2010 Super Sport Version reaching a top speed of 267 mph. When competing against the Bugatti Veyron, you better be prepared!

Not just a super car that carries on the name of racing driver Pierre Veyron, who, while racing for the original Bugatti car manufacturer, won the 24 hours of Le Mans in 1939, Bugatti Veyron 16.4 is the second fastest car in the world and the most powerful, it can easily pass as a super hero`s car like Batman. It has the fastest acceleration speed, reaching 60 mph in 2.6 seconds.

Endowed with a W16 engine-16 cylinders in 4 banks of 4 cylinders fed by four turbochargers, a dual-clutch DSG computer-controlled manual transmission, the Veyron has a length is 4462 mm (175.8 in) a wide of 1998 mm (78.7 in) and hight of 1206 mm (47.5 in). Counting a sum of 10 radiators, for the engine cooling system, for transmission oil, a heat exchanger for the air to liquid intercoolers, for engine oil etc., the car has a power to weight ratio of 529 bhp/tonne.

If we talk about performance we are dazzled by this supercars power to reach 200 and 300 km/h (124 and 186 mph) in 7.3 and respectively 16.7 seconds, wining for herself the name of the quickest-accelerating production car in history. If we count the fact that the top speed of Bugatti Veyron is 253.2 miles per hour (407.5 km/h), a speed limited electronically to prevent tire damage (it can run even faster) we can understand why this spectacular car must consume 40.4 L/100 km (4.82 mpg) when it`s running at top speed and in city driving 24.1 L/100 km.

A model driven by a superstar like Tom Cruise, couldn`t name itself cheap, raising the Bugatti Veyron to a price tag of $1,700,000, a price that measures up to it`s quality. Many new designs has been released since 2006, the color might have changed, but the performance and power remain the same.

The Bulgari Resort, Bali, occupies a secluded plateau near Uluwatu, on the southern tip of the Jimbaran peninsula. Defined by cliffs that fall dramatically to the Indian Ocean, blessed both by sunrise and spectacular sunset views, the resort enjoys private access via funicular to a pristine stretch of beach.

The Temple

At the highest point of The Bulgari Resort, Bali, a traditional temple acts as a guardian overseeing  the well being of the resort’s occupants. In keeping with the village theme incorporated into the  layout of the resort, the temple has its own spiritual community to carry out the daily ceremonies  that are so integral to the Balinese Hindu religion.

The Reception
Designed by architects Antonio Citterio and Partners, and created from hand- hewn volcanic stone, rich exotic woods and an exclusive range of furniture and fabrics, the magnificent proportions offer a fitting welcome to guests of The Bulgari Resort, Bali.

The Restaurants

The Bulgari Resort, Bali features two restaurants. Sangkar presents contemporary Indonesian,  Asian and international cuisine and is open for breakfast, lunch and dinner with a sophisticated casual atmosphere. Il Ristorante defines traditional and modern creative Italian cuisine and is open only for dinner with a more formal ambience.

The Bar

A spectacular yet  welcoming space, terraced with  contemporary furnishings, offers a haven for relaxed contemplation of the  Indian Ocean beyond. For sunset drinks, daytime lounging or bathing in  the moonlight, The Bar is a sophisticated gathering place serving wines,  cocktails with appetizers inspired by classical Italian flavors.

The Sangkar
Named for the traditional bamboo cages used extensively in the décor, Sangkar offers a creative take on contemporary Indonesian cuisine. Two communal tables in the heart of the floor space define a casual  atmosphere and the extensive menu draws heavily on locally prepared organic ingredients and traditional recipes combined with modern  culinary techniques.

The Spa
Set in the very heart of  The Bulgari Resort, Bali, The Spa is the embodiment of a holistic healing centre, bringing together the therapeutic traditions of Indonesian massage and the contemporary elixirs of modern spa technology. An antique ‘Joglo’ house,  transported piece by piece from central Java, creates a unique reception area. Eight treatment rooms and suites overlook the Indian Ocean and the spa gardens, each with private changing areas, plunge pools and outdoor relaxation areas. Modern treatments are combined with ancient techniques to create a range of unique spa rituals.

If you have ever had a conversation with me, I have probably said one of the following:

• Why are you talking so loud?
• I’m right here…
• (while in the car together) I can hear you; you are a foot away from my face.
• (On the cell phone) You are talking directly into my ear… no need to shout.

Well, these phrases don’t exist for me in Berlin!!! Everyone is so quiet! While I was standing at a very busy crosswalk (there were about fifty people waiting to cross, some on their cell phones), I closed my eyes, the only thing I could hear, were the cars passing by and the screeching of a buses brakes. It was like I was all alone standing there. I loved it!

Another instance, I saw a couple waving their arms about and having a conversation, laughing and animated… the only thing missing was any audible tones! They were 10 feet away from me and I didn’t even hear a whisper. It’s like an art. How can one not fall in love with zero noise pollution? Then you hear the stupid American, blocks away, coming down the street on their cell phone. People look annoyingly in the direction of the bull horn. If you take a moment to inhale your environment, it’s amazing what you quickly discover the culture.

The Berghain. A dance club that begins on Friday night and continues through early Monday morning. A nonstop party with multiple Dj’s. The only thing that changes here is night and day… but no worries… you never see that change, unless you look at your watch/cell phone. The entrance is probably one of the most exciting lines I have ever experienced. A two-hour long wait… hundreds of people waiting to enter at all hours of the night. The door men either say “Yes” or “Not tonight.” No one knows as to why you get rejected… it isn’t based on looks… I was looking at fashion models being turned away… humiliated. I was thinking… they were beyond hot… and they were told no? Even they were shocked. Lol… I think it must be, if you are wearing a certain color, then perhaps they won’t let you in. Who knows. I’m happy to have experienced the wild world of European dance beats, amazing DJ’s, dark rooms (hmmm , whatever you can imagine to go on in here…does), and how freely every drug is at your disposal (none for me… thanks.). I love dancing and dance I did till 11 the next morning… I remember walking outside to the afternoon sun…I felt like a vampire, my eyes burning after leaving the smoky darkness, my skin steaming from the sweat, I thought I was going to ignite into a ball of flames. At that point I didn’t care… water is all I could think about. Instead, I met some people that invited me for drinks and breakfast. At their posh home, they had a couple of cases of Champagne left over from a birthday party the previous day… lucky for me, Moet & Chandon and Veuve Clicquot (my two favorites) were in abundance. Before this trip, I don’t think I have ever had this much champers. Mmmm… no complaints here.

The height of men in Berlin is astonishing. If you are under 6’3” go home… at 6 feet everyone was towering over me… most women too. I would say average here is 6’3 -6’9.What the hell are they eating to have this height? Is Nutella a super form of Calcium? Perhaps through evolution, they have tried to reach high up for fruit or something and the Germans evolved to their current height… like the giraffe.

City wide tour please! I had my expert tour guides with me Jan and Gregor (Superdry) … they were my history books come to life. Everywhere we went about the city, I was enlightened with fast facts. Thank you for the education and for being so entertaining. I wished I could have enjoyed Berlin for a greater length of time. I could definitely be happy living in this city.

The dinner we had one evening was interesting. Schnitzel… which is veal (baby calf) pounded flat, battered, fried, and served with lemon. More like a thin chicken fried steak without the creamy peppered gravy. It was good… but I think I’ll stick to my original instead.

While I was in route to the train station, at Alexanderplaz, a busy part of the city, a woman in distress approached me carrying a baby. “Do you speak English” she asked.

“Yes, what is it?” I said. She held out a worn dirty piece of paper in the palm of her hand. I thought I was being Punked. I said, “No. No, thank you.”

I had just bought lunch, juice, and water. I was carrying three bags and my groceries. The actress named “Distress” starts mumbling something and says on repeat (like a fuse in her brain was malfunctioning), “The bebe, the bebe, the bebe.” She then lunges her entire arm into my grocery bag.

I said, “Bitch… You’d better get your hand out of my shit, and get your ass a real job. You see that I am traveling and don’t have anything to give you. You need to get away from me right now.” She began following me a for few feet spitting out words in whatever language. I was pissed that I had been fooled by her initial phrase, that which, I was already warned about. I instantly turned into an animal that was guarding his prey (kinda scary actually). I was just hungry enough to rip her head off at that point.   Figuratively speaking… of course.

Berlin – wear your high heels to blend in, try the schnitzel, and keep your bags closed!

Amsterdam (Puff puff pass)

My first taste of the green was supposed to be here… but being alone… I didn’t want to have a bad experience and risk being robbed or getting lost. The hundreds of coffee shops are sure to be any smokers paradise. They don’t even serve coffee… more like booze, joints, brownies, and space cake… everything infused with some green. Seeds only cost 3.5 euro. It is okay to grow your own… you just can’t sell it, unless you’re a business… cause if you do that, then it’s illegal. Really?

Red Light District – OMG. Where to begin? Sex on another planet. Woman wait in a glass door window for someone to strike their fancy, and then it’s off to the moon and the stars… well for an hour anyway, I think that is how it works. Girls of all ages… the super young, wearing next to nothing and older women with enormously large melons spilling forth while pressed against the glass… it’s all about subtlety here.

There were plenty of live sex shows for your viewing pleasure as well… you pay a fee and the curtain raises to a solo performance or a couple already in action. I walked into one of these lobbies and you can preview the models (by portrait) before shelling out the cash to see them in action… Wow, not anyone I would even want to see pictures of, let alone in a live performance… probably because it was still early in the day around 7pm.  I’m sure the hot models come out later at night when it’s busier.

Thank goodness I wasn’t alone during this exploration. I had my friend John leading me through the channels of the city. We were to spend a few days together in an awesome 5 star hotel… but he unfortunately fell ill and I had two large plush beds and a giant room to myself. Thank you for showing me Amsterdam John!!!

Bicycles are a big part of Amsterdam… is the main way of transport in the city… they have their own lane on the side walk. You will be run over by them if you don’t move to the sound of their bell. The rage that they have even towards each other is insane. It is road rage on a bike. If you are going to slow, someone will let you know by yelling at your ass to move! It took me a couple of days to hear the bell and register to get the eff out of the way.

Houseboats are some really great real estate in Amsterdam. They are connected to the cities plumbing and utility systems. I met someone who actually owned one and I laughed when he told me he lived on a boat. He asked why I was laughing… I said because I was fascinated by them… I showed him all the pictures that I had taken of the boats. He mentioned that there is a negative stereotype that comes along with living in a houseboat. With real estate being as expensive as it is, his boat was purchased for a tiny 300,000 euros ($390,000). Another plus he mentioned was not having any neighbors attached on any wall.

Amsterdam – Run from the sound of the bell, visit a coffee shop but don’t pay more than 12 euro for some stuff (they always try to over charge the tourists), and feast your eyes on some of the tragedy in the Red Light district.

Paris

First impressions – I board the subway and remain standing, girl #2 enters behind me and sits, begins texting madly on her phone. I look in front of me at girl #1, with her hair half pinned back, wearing a light jacket, quickly flips the page on her book and starts outlining the face of girl 2. The face is rapidly completed and very good I might add… the hair is filled in… girl 2 looks like she just had her hair done… rows braided throughout. Girl 2 is completely unaware that she is being studied and drawn. Four stops later, girl 1 is about to exit the train, the doors open, she rips out the page and throws it into the lap girl 2 (who’s still texting) and exits the train. Confused, girl 2 looks at the picture and stops texting, turns to see who it was that drew her… stares out of the window till we are off again. Then she looks back at her image and smiles. Really? Paris is awesome!  I *ucking love that I just witnessed that!

The subway system at first seemed a little ghetto… the trains run on tires… little did I know this helps them start and stop faster, like in a car. Efficiency is the word here.

I began getting ill in Paris (cold?). I walked around a lot my first day. My first stop was the Eiffel Tower and onto finish with the Louvre and the Cathedral of Notre Dame. When I had gotten to the Louvre I decided I was too tired to spend a couple of hours in a museum. Plus it was going to be free on the first Sunday of the month… good plan eh? Wrong. The next day I got there and the line was horrendous… thousands were lined up to go inside. The line was an hour and a half wait… no thank you. Europeans like to call the lines or wait times: “the queue time.” I laid down on the ledge of a water fountain to people watch and had a photo shoot instead. Remember I was sick. Last thing that I wanted was to be pushing my way around a crowded museum… It still makes me nauseous.

Paris was a bit expensive, but well worth it… very pretty and clean.

I witness a bus that had gone into a river when I was out site seeing… there were mobs of policemen and divers. I stuck around for about ten minutes, as it looked like they were taking a while strategizing their next move. I need action people!!! Hurry up!!! Hope everyone was okay.

Lastly, while at the train station for the next move to Spain… I was sitting  near a column in the train station and was approached by a young boy… ”Excuse me,” he said. I nodded.  He then asked, “Can I have some water?” I looked down at my half-full bottle of water. I picked it up and handed it to him. He was careful not to put his mouth on the opening… a few sips and he tightened the lip and handed it back to me and said, “Thank you.” Ummm… that was a first. I love that that just happened. Not sure I have the balls to just ask someone for water like that. Was that a test? Hmmm.

Paris – Pay for the Louvre (although I heard the Mona Lisa was overrated, being that it is so small and is barricaded at 5 feet away for viewing), just throw yourself into the subway system (it’s easy to learn and gets you everywhere), and don’t be afraid to share what you have, as little as it might be.

Far from the crowds lies this nine-suite full-service hotel, where the word of the day, every day, is privacy. Amid the hilltop hush of its dramatic cliff’s-edge setting, a capable and gracious staff is on call to see to your every need, from private terrace dining to tours of local sites. The modern take on Cycladic architecture lends a sophisticated edge to this boutique hotel, no wonder it’s a favorite of honeymooners the world over.

The Facilities

Lounge in our infinity pool with a cocktail, and capture the beauty of Santorini.

Don’t expect multiple dining options and gift shops: Astarte is all about the low-key,  which means you  either grab a snack and a drink in the  swank Lava Lounge and Bar, take a seat at the Morning Star Pool Bar, or enjoy the a la carte menu, served ensuite or alfresco on your terrace. There’s WiFi access throughout the hotel’s public areas. And there’s no beating the views from Astarte Suites’ freshwater pool, flush up against the very edge of the cliff.

The Rooms
They won’t be to everyone’s taste, with their sponge-painted walls and sorbet-hued palette; and they’re not the most drop-dead decadent on the island. But all have jacuzzi tubs (some of them open to the room), king-size beds set into deep built-in bedsteads, and flat-screen televisions. Breakfast is served in the privacy of individual verandas or terraces.

In room amenities: Balconies in some rooms, Flatscreen tv, Internet
access, Room service, Wifi

Hotel Facilities: Bar, Hot tubs/Jacuzzi, Outdoor pool, Restaurant

Hotel Policies
Other Important Information: The hotel is closed from 1 November until
31 March annually.

Website: http://www.astartesuites.gr

NEW YORK TIMES: Astarte suites hotel suggested place to stay in Greece!!

Video of Astarte Suites!!

Budapest, Hungary

The road (train tracks) to Budapest were long… 9+ hours actually. I met a Hungarian, Jimmy, who shared the cabin… I would soon tell him that I was ravenous and that I hadn’t prepared for such a long treacherous journey. The train that we were in should have retired 40 years ago, the heat from outside maintained a constant simmer in the cabin. I was thankful that my sweat glands were over producing for once.

Jimmy is in his twenties and after getting to know me; revealed that he had bought two sandwiches (I called them sandwiches; they were actually hot dogs, tucked inside some fancy pastry). I told him that he shouldn’t have told me, and that I was going to knock him out and take them both. He laughed and ended up sharing his lunch with me… something that I had done earlier that day with someone else (great meeting you Proffa). I threw my last bottle of Santorini wine in the mix… it tasted a little less than stellar… but the buzz made the constant train stops and delays bearable.

Budapest was very enjoyable to see… Jimmy was nice enough to show me a fun night out, which included the local hangouts and a bit of site seeing. We walked into a club at some point that evening and I was ready to visit the toilet… I asked someone where the bathroom was as soon as we walked in… I got a finger point… Jimmy led… we walked into a dimly lit room and saw four stalls with doors semi open. Confused as Jimmy walked into one… I said where is the toilet? He was confused as well, then he started laughing, the expression he made was that of a person that was just caught with their “hand” in the cookie jar. He said, “I don’t think this is the toilet!”

“What?” I said. I walked in as he passed… there were oval shaped holes on both walls. Lol!! For shizzle. Ummm… that’s a first. I slowly walked towards the exit, imagining what kind of mischief hanky-panky went on in a room like that… people were laughing as we came out. “The toilet is over there” they said. Silly rabbits.

The next day I spent walking through the cities of Buda and Pest which are separated by the Danube river. I saw something that looked like a castle built into a cliff. I discovered that it was actually a church that was built into a cave (not like the bat cave)… pretty stunning actually… no photos allowed inside.

I really enjoyed seeing all the monuments and colossal churches. I hiked through a park, thinking I was just going to cut across it to reach a bridge that I had seen from a distance… but no… these dumb trails lead me higher and higher up a mountain… being stubborn, I didn’t want to turn around and back track… the sun was beating down… only igniting my anger and stubbornness… I was determined to win. Less than half an hour later I would land the most spectacular views of the city and what would be a major tourist spot. Who knew?

Lastly, I met someone that had gone to a bar and started making out with a cute girl… he had a button style closure on his pants back pocket. After the not so brief make out session… he realized the button had come loose…. or had it? Miss cutie ended up walking away with 150 Euros ($197)… not bad for a few meaningless kisses. Maybe I’m in the wrong business?

Budapest… where tiny little kisses cost big money.

Vienna, Austria

What an amazingly clean city… right away the city seemed very similar to London. I like the trams… they remind me of the old movie “Robocop.” The crosswalks have sensors on them like at the base of a garage door… if you break the laser beam… it triggers. So sophisticated. My only complaint…. The city blocks are like Las Vegas city blocks. ENORMOUS. I was looking at a map… like in every city… thinking, oh I can just walk, it’s a short distance… apparently the map that I was looking at was not to scale. Haha. Three blocks took 15+ minutes!! Eff that noise.

Saw a few museums at the Museum Quarter (MQ)… walked around a bit and was over it. I saw something quite interesting… bike rentals… you walk up to a kiosk… throw in your card and the bike is released… you can leave it at another rental location… it’s all automated… brilliant. Why didn’t I see this before I covered the city with my footprints?  I didn’t have anymore hoodspa in me for a bike rental… I was only in Vienna one day… Prague was calling.

Vienna… rent a bike.

Prague,Czech Republic

I met some people from Southern England that arrived at the same time as me. Two young lads that seemed to be over traveling together… I thought, at least I don’t have to deal with somebody that wants to act up… but perhaps I’d rather be playing off someone while traveling, then experiencing the adventure alone… safer and cheaper… so much cheaper when you are a 1+1,2,3,4.

“Why are you traveling alone?” they asked. In every country that question comes up… so I’m asking YOU PEOPLE…. WHY AM I TRAVELING ALONE? I’m tired of making up excuses. I tell people, my friends are broke, they hate to travel, couldn’t get time off cause they love their jobs, they are busy with families and functions, or are hermit crabs, or because I don’t have any friends, cause I am really shy, and I have a dead personality. Bah.

It’s all good. Trust. I am meeting really great people and when we vibe… the hours and activities are countless together. It’s an intense meeting of energies, all elevated due to the new surroundings. We are blended, shaken, and stirred with the passion for travel, enjoying one’s life, and most importantly having as much fun in the moment as possible. I have finally found my new hobby. I want to be surrounded by wanderlusts… and currently, I’m submerged.

Prague, or Praha, as everyone calls it, was a little gloomy the second day I was there to site see… it made for some interesting pictures. I had received an email from Cartier that mentioned that the Prague Castle was holding and exhibit of Cartier treasures. My heart began to vibrate at the thought of being at the right place in the world at the right time… I suppose this is why I’m here… to work. This is perfect to give me ideas for the future of this website.

Louis Cartier created (Christmas music is suddenly coming through my Ipod – I’m dreaming of a White Christmas… you know… it’s the little things that really make the moments in life.) as I was saying, while I’m floating through the country side of France, en route to Paris for the weekend, in my empty first class train sectional. Why isn’t someone here enjoying all the worlds’ silly beauty with me? Come on people… you got to dream and believe in yourself. You CAN have EVERYTHING you want. We are taught through schooling to think linearly… A-to-B. Enough with the… you have to work hard your whole life in order to get what you want and to be happy. I have never gotten anything I wanted by following those rules. Work hard to be on 4 different soap operas/countless shows? Work hard to land reality TV?… to  mingle with billionaires… private planes… exotic destinations…to build some amazing friendships… to have so many incredible experiences… to travel. You create your reality… mine caresses chaos at times… but, I’m never bored… and never stressed. I *ucking love my life. I hope that you can say the same. Break the box and make your own shape.

I could go on with excitement… but let’s get back to all the Cartier diamonds… I didn’t expect my eyes to feast on such a collection. Case after case of jewelry created beginning in the early 1900’s. Mostly made up of pieces that were created by special request that adorned Kings, Queens, the Rothchilds, the Vanderbuilts, and countless socialites and movie stars. Of course Elizabeth Taylor had a few pieces in the collection, she is quoted saying, “Money is not the only thing in life, there are furs and jewelry too.” Good girl… she gets it.

Two of my favorite pieces in the collection were inspired by the Mexican actress Maria Felix. She was always covered in expensive jewelry, but never Cartier. Being very well known for her extravagance, Cartier wanted her to wear his jewelry. Felix commissioned Cartier to create a necklace that looked like a snake, and if it looked worthy, she would wear it. The design was created and thousands of diamonds were added to create the snakes’ body. Felix was so impressed; she had Cartier create another necklace in the form of two crocodiles. These pieces are said to look like they come alive when they are held in your hand… we love Cartier crocodiles.

“There isn’t a bigger victory than when I bought a jewel for myself,” Maria Felix.

I should end there… but there was another occurrence of “When Gypsies Attack.” One of the Southern boys that I had met was walking with two girls… three gypsies approach him… “you talk English? It sounds so nice… say something, say something in English.”

“Go away,” he said.

Gypsy #1 plunges her hand down his back pocket… he throws her arm away and begins yells obscenities too good to write here. Gypsies #2 & #3 lunge for a girls purse… they all defend each other and the gypsies scurry back into the night.

Prague… Go to the Cartier exhibit and pretend to not speak the English.

Sofia, Bulgaria

Hmmm… who knew that Eastern Europe was going to be such a challenge mentally? Later, I will come to find out that Northern and Western European occupants, never have or will never visit Eastern Europe.

The main way of transport in all of Europe is the railway system. In E.E. it is a way of life for the gypsies, tramps, and thieves. Let me explain how sleeping with one eye open, or not at all, can help you benefit while traveling on the rail system in most of E.E.

At a checkout counter while making my reservation, the attendant told me to get a sleeper train, and to not sit in the general seating area while traveling, so as to avoid the gypsies. “They will take everything… they will go through your bags and take your passport… they are looking for money.”

“Let them try,” I said, “I will fight!” Nuh-uh, not on my watch… I will knock a bitch OUT!

Well, that mentality was just me being a young, cocky, arrogant, hard-buck of a muscle-stud babes.

The reality of it is…. Where you sit on the train generally has six seats in a compartment (three seats facing the other three seats), with a glass sliding door that closes to the hallway. There are smaller vents on the floor area below the sliding door. Sophi, a young Bulgarian traveler (who studies in Vienna), told me of various techniques that thieves use to nab your belongings. Through the vents, the bandits will release a gas, to make you pass out. When you are nice and unconscious… they come in and steal everything… I imagine them taking my underwear… oooo that makes me angry.

Sophi then alerts me to the, “do not under any circumstance…open the door” to one of these gold diggers… because the moment that you do…. they will spray a substance on your face, and it’s off to neverland you go. Now I know where to come, when I need some good sleep and Tylenol PM no longer works. Maybe put some play money in my pockets to see how much they take. But then again…. that’ll probably piss them off and land me a few bruises. Sophi mentions that chains can be put onto the door to avoid any unwanted entry. Really? Really.

A clever way that these gypsies get their stab on you on land is by using their children. They will walk up to you and hand you their child… while you don’t want the baby to fall… you grab the child in confusion, all-the-while, moms busy shopping through your pockets. Lesson learned here… let the baby fall. Funny, in America… I’ve never had so much stress while traveling. Eastern Europe makes you grow and extra pair of eyes, 10 sets of ears, and a sick sense that EVERYONE is out to get you. It makes you very aware of your surroundings. Thank you E.E. for giving me Spidy sense.

Let’s move back now to the city of Sofia… the train ride through the Bulgarian mountains was just stunning… beautiful, lots of greenery, the train hugged a river for a great deal of the ride… that’s about when it began…

I was taking pictures of mountain sides, when I started seeing some small homes and trash thrown about. Hmmm?… we need to call that show “Hoarders” I thought. It didn’t stop there, every house I was seeing was the same. I don’t understand, you have a nicely built house, a back yard, and directly behind the fence of the back yard, were trash bags… lots of trash bags… some sealed, but mostly broken, as if shredded apart by animals… the trash lay scattered everywhere. Perhaps, because these homes are closer to the train, this could indicate that they are in the lower income bracket… which means they cannot afford trash pickup… hence, the people dispose of it any way they see fit. All assumptions of course.

All on the contrary… the whole city (what I saw in 8 hours – because I wasn’t about to stay one min longer) was like this… one giant trash heap. I didn’t take any pictures… because I don’t want to remember any of this.

Moving on from the self-made land fills… I had a dumb moment when I was in Bulgaria… I went looking everywhere for a bathroom… there were none to be found the 4 times I circled the inside of the worn down train station. I walked out of the station and into this newer shopping center for what was to be “Operation Bathroom.” After circling the entire thing twice, Op Bath was a failed mission… I gave up. I decided to go into an eatery for a quick bite and some wifi access (which -big surprise- the clerk didn’t know the password to log on).

Confused as to how Bulgarians don’t use the bathroom… I had had it… my body was ready to release without my consent. I ask the girl at the counter where the bathroom/toilet was. Unlucky for me, she didn’t speak English, right on par with the 10 other people I had tried to communicate with… WTF… I turned into a mime and acted like I was washing my hands and then put my hands up… like the “Where?” gesture… she laughed and shook her head like I was an idiot. Yes, I’m an idiot… but I have enough sense to not choose you, to be on my team during charades. I pulled out my final card, being that I was about to just relieve myself right there: I held my hand to my groin and pretended to be peeing from left to right… again, she laughed at me and then pointed to a structure that I had passed several times before labeled “WC.” What the heck is that? I tell you… with these silly games that are being played with me… I was thinking of doing the big dirty on the side of the small WC building… Why don’t you use pictures Mutha *uckas… they’re universal!! I tore in there, after already firing some blanks while looking for the *ucking bathroom, the beads of sweat on my forehead getting larger with each misfire. I felt like I was playing a new twisted version of  rush and roulette… my number was up. While on the toilet with no ventilation, I was there thinking what the hell did I eat that had me feeling this way? Oh, that’s right, my routine of 4 giros a day: one at lunch, 2 for dinner, and one after the bars at 5:30am. Mmmm… ewwww.

I did my monkey business… washed my hands and face, when suddenly, I turn to leave, and I see a woman behind a booth, near the exit. She was looking down, probably tying her shoe or picking up half of a sandwich she had dropped. That is when I noticed a sign that wanted .60 in Bulgarian currency (which of course I didn’t have). You have to pay to use the bathroom?!? Really? I ran out of the door and around to the back of the building… my heart was pounding… I had just dropped the big dirty and ran. It’s yours now… you deal with it.

I had to strategize my next move, as things like these could not have been expected… I wasn’t at all  prepared to be a bathroom criminal. I thought… I will run into the train station and blend in with the crowd by walking slowly in the direction of movement.

I ran quickly across the street, looked both ways, and for a split second I took a glance back; half expecting to see some armed guards chasing me. The train station was just ahead… I busted into a café that was attached to the station, and slowed down instantly by pretending to read a menu… disguising the fact that I was actually seeing if I was being followed. Thank the Gods… I got away. Have you ever shat and ran? I can now say I have. Disgusting, yet mildly exciting.